This week I went to the second funeral of a child in the last three years. It never gets any easier and it always is gut wrenching. I never want to have to do that again, but then again, who in their right mind would actually want to do that sort of thing?
The first funeral I went to was in 2006 and it was for my 18 month old niece, Kayla, who was born with a heart defect that the doctors didn't catch until she was nine months old. I have no idea how that's possible, but it happened. There's no worse feeling in the world than watching someone so small and who you thought was so perfect gradually fade away, despite all of your hopes, dreams and prayers that they'll somehow pull through so you can watch them grow up. It wasn't to be with Kayla and my family and all we can do now is remember the best 18 months of our collective lives and try to forget the worst 9 months that followed her death. Depending on who in my family you actually ask, that period of time might now be stretched to 40 months. There's something to be said for false hope and there's nothing to be said for extreme pain, paralysis and devastation that comes from feeling the worst thing you've ever felt in your life. I've lost relatives before, and as cold as it may come off, I wasn't very close to those relatives and their deaths were more of a relief than anything because they died after prolonged illnesses. With Kayla it was different. You see someone so perfect and innocent who simply wants to live and have a chance to learn to talk and walk and develop into a person, but they get snatched away from you. On the other hand, you have other completely healthy children in horrible situations that don't get to feel any of the love that I felt for my niece. It'll drive you crazy if you think about it and it'll make you angry if you witness it. One thing I can say for Kayla is that her life, however short was filled with all the joy and love that one could give. I know that much...
Which brings us to the funeral I just attended two days ago. One of my best friends lost his 5 year old son, who was born with so many maladies that they boy couldn't communicate, walk, talk or stand. And yet he was loved. However, where Kayla's life was filled with love, joy, pain and ultimate sadness, Jordan's life, while filled with the love of his family had a fraction of that peace. Maybe it was because of the stress of having an ill child. Maybe it was because his parents were just not meant to be together, or maybe it was what would be referred to by pseudo philosophers as a cruel joke, but watching my friend be belittled during the funeral of his first son was the ultimate insult.
Let me explain, my friend was no angel and I for one advised him against getting married, but held out hope that maybe all he needed was a strong level of commitment to put him on the straight and narrow. Didn't happen. Didn't even last six months before he was back to his old ways. However, the pregnancy of his wife held out hope for that ever-elusive level of maturity, and then the trouble really started. I guess the stress and pain of having an ill child in an already strained relationship tests the endurance of even the most strong willed person and if you're already in a serious conflict, it's even more impossible to navigate. Needless to say, a few false start divorces, more infidelity, two pregnancies (one of the wife and another of the girlfriend) and an eventual revenge divorce filing, followed by a financially and emotionally destructive actual preceeding and you finally get a measure of peace...and then this.
Fast forward to the funeral that my friend paid for, but was held at the ex-con ex-mother-in-law's church and you get countless tributes to the angelic mother and not a mention of the father, who worked himself almost to death so his son could have the best care he could get under the circumstances. Suddenly, you get a man already crushed by the death of his son also taken to the brink of self destruction by a public slap in the face as he tries to honor his son's memory.
Like I said earlier, I've seen both sides of the coin and neither is to my liking. One thing I do know is that I never want to see either sides ever again...
